It's not that I am "ashamed of the gospel of Christ", it's that I fear internet fire-bombing. I don't like to be yelled at or ALL-CAPPED or have people not like me. I (mistakenly) feel that if I keep my beliefs to myself, it will be ok because I hate conflict so much. I have started feeling badly about keeping one particular belief to myself.
I feel fine talking about temples, the atonement, tithing, the Book of Mormon, prophets, personal revelation, etc. I am scared to type out loud that I believe in traditional marriage, between a man and a woman. I have seen the backlash others have suffered. As public opinion shifts away from God and creates a divide between new "moral standards" and eternal (no beginning and no end) commandments from God that do not change, the dialogue has become less civilized and more threatening. I do believe with all my heart that every person is a child of God and has the right to be treated with kindness and respect. I do not go to the posts and pages of gay marriage supporters and write unkind or argumentative statements. In fact, I don't go there at all. I also believe that God gave us all the power to choose for ourselves. However, these are commandments that when disobeyed, bring consequences. You can choose to do the opposite of what He has commanded, but your ability to choose doesn't magically make your actions right.
The Savior loves every man and woman on earth. He does not change the rules for each individual based on what they want. The rules are the same and they are to help us return to Heavenly Father again. So again, I believe that all people should be treated kindly. Kindness does not mean I agree. It means I am kind.
I wish that both sides of this could be kind. The winner will not be the ones who are loudest. The winner will not be the one who persuades the most people to his or her side. There will not be a winner, in the traditional sense. In the very very end, we will all receive the eternal reward we feel comfortable with. I want the reward of being with my family and my Father in Heaven for eternity. I want all the blessings He has for me. I could be comfortable and happy with nothing less, knowing it was within my reach.
So now I get to the question, why bother defending traditional/eternal marriage? Those who argue against it wonder why we just can't let everyone do what they want? As my husband pointed out, we are not haters--we are all about the love. Let me explain: we existed as spirit beings before we came to earth. We came to earth to get bodies and learn and eventually become like our Heavenly Father; Gods. We believe this is the only path to true and lasting happiness. Because we love our fellow brothers and sisters, we stand by His definition of family because it will bring unimaginable joy in this life and the more in the next. We want that for all. See the end of the above paragraph; if we know more, we hope for more.
I also stand for traditional marriage because there are consequences, lots of them, and even ones we can't see yet. Because I believe that children ideally need a mother and a father to help them be the best they can be. I believe that children deserve this, even though they have no legal rights or ability to articulate that need. Because I can see changes in our societal fabric coming. Those in social science who say that studies show no problems with gay marriage and parenting are denying the rules of science--there simply is not enough data, collected over a long enough period of time, to really prove them right. Because I don't think that shouting the loudest means you should get your way. Because I see the fear-mongering that is growing; people feel that they have to say homosexuality is fine to avoid censure, to avoid unpopularity, to get votes, to avoid being called a bad person. That isn't fair. The giant elephant in the room irony is that some gay rights activists treat anyone who disagrees with them the same way they are protesting being treated.
By suing florists and photographers and ministers who object, they are denying others the right to choose.
I have been watching and waiting for the Supreme court, holding my breath, worrying about consequences of these decisions. In the midst of all this, my teenager chased away the darkness by declaring that our solution is to say, "I am going to be over here, living my church (centered) life, doing my thing." and pointing out that the church is growing and spreading to all nations, increasing the number of those "who be with us". The saints are done fleeing, and we are making Zion where we are, he said, reminding me of Elder Holland's words (http://www.lds.org/broadcasts/article/ces-devotionals/2012/01/israel-israel-god-is-calling?lang=eng).
So now I feel better. Don't hate on me, because I am not hating on you. I am standing up for what I believe in because I love. And yes, I do have the comments set on approval first. And I love my kids. It's really cool when they make me feel better. And, be kind. But kind doesn't mean I agree.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Journals. wahoo. I mean, WAHOO!
First, let me say that in my last post, my plea for you to praise a woman was not meant for you to praise me. I know I am awesome. hahah. I just meant any woman. or anybody, for that matter. Compliments are easy and cheap to give.
I must thank Middle-Aged Mormon Man for the idea for this post. It's not really what he meant, but this is where my mind went. Journals.
Journals. Bah. Another thing to feel guilty about, I have felt, from time to time. Other times, I think, I am so awesome because I am writing in my journal! I have had cycles of regular writing in my life. One of the longest was in college. It has been cool when I've gone back to read those journals--I see very clearly how the Lord keeps His promises. And how often I saw His hand in my life. There are sporadic entries over the last 5-6 years, some detailing how unpleasant parenting can be, some lamenting the passage of time. There are big chunks of time missing, big events missing. I realized today what my biggest block is.
I feel deeply. I am uncomfortable with the depth of my feelings. I am also unable to adequately write about some of these things with the depth of feeling they seem to deserve. It is easier to complain and make lists and make excuses than try to properly record important events and epiphanies. It is easier to be silly and sarcastic. Also, you may have noticed that I am verbose. I don't know how to say things concisely. Isn't it more fun to read details? Not as much detail as Dickens, though. THAT is a lot of detail.
I am in activity girls. This week we are making journals/pseudo smash books. Journaling has changed so much in the last 10 years. We can blog, we can art journal, we can photo journal, we can 365 (a picture a day), we can smashbook ( journal/old school glue-in scrapbooking), etc. As fun as all of this is, it really is no substitute for recording in private the spiritual experiences and personal revelation we receive. Elder Scott is right about this. I just have to do it. It was easier when we wrote in journals together as a family on Sundays. Now my kids keep their journals in their rooms and write when they feel like it and won't be compelled to write when I say to. I pick my battles.
So I have a new goal for spring: write. in. my. journal. I am not going to try to catch up, I will just start from now. And if I want to throw in a few stick figures, I will. :) Do you have things you are starting over this spring?
I must thank Middle-Aged Mormon Man for the idea for this post. It's not really what he meant, but this is where my mind went. Journals.
Journals. Bah. Another thing to feel guilty about, I have felt, from time to time. Other times, I think, I am so awesome because I am writing in my journal! I have had cycles of regular writing in my life. One of the longest was in college. It has been cool when I've gone back to read those journals--I see very clearly how the Lord keeps His promises. And how often I saw His hand in my life. There are sporadic entries over the last 5-6 years, some detailing how unpleasant parenting can be, some lamenting the passage of time. There are big chunks of time missing, big events missing. I realized today what my biggest block is.
I feel deeply. I am uncomfortable with the depth of my feelings. I am also unable to adequately write about some of these things with the depth of feeling they seem to deserve. It is easier to complain and make lists and make excuses than try to properly record important events and epiphanies. It is easier to be silly and sarcastic. Also, you may have noticed that I am verbose. I don't know how to say things concisely. Isn't it more fun to read details? Not as much detail as Dickens, though. THAT is a lot of detail.
I am in activity girls. This week we are making journals/pseudo smash books. Journaling has changed so much in the last 10 years. We can blog, we can art journal, we can photo journal, we can 365 (a picture a day), we can smashbook ( journal/old school glue-in scrapbooking), etc. As fun as all of this is, it really is no substitute for recording in private the spiritual experiences and personal revelation we receive. Elder Scott is right about this. I just have to do it. It was easier when we wrote in journals together as a family on Sundays. Now my kids keep their journals in their rooms and write when they feel like it and won't be compelled to write when I say to. I pick my battles.
So I have a new goal for spring: write. in. my. journal. I am not going to try to catch up, I will just start from now. And if I want to throw in a few stick figures, I will. :) Do you have things you are starting over this spring?
Monday, January 14, 2013
O snap! Did I just check my religion at the door?
Point One: I am of the opinion that I lose my temper less and less as I have gotten older. I didn't think I even had a list of things that set me off. But I do. One of those is meanness, more specifically when women are mean to each other. Satan is after women, and it shows when we compare ourselves to other women, when we judge each others' use of time, when we try to assign motives to each other' actions. I get riled up about it. It is bad enough when we do it to each other, but if a man appears to be jumping in to stir the pot....hoo boy.
Point Two: I have never felt like I completely get the story of Mary and Martha in the New Testament. I know we need spiritual nourishment, but SOMEONE has to make dinner. Is it about timing? Dinner could wait a few until the teaching was over, maybe? I cringe when I hear the story being used as a blunt object to bash categories of women on the head. I know that isn't what the Savior wanted it used for. I got some studying to do, I guess. Does it mean anything that at the top of one staircase in the Brigham temple there is a painting of Mary and Martha and across from it, at the next landing is a painting of a woman picking peaches???
Point Three: If you haven't read or watched Elder Holland's CES fireside from the fall of 2012 titled, "Israel, Israel, God is Calling", you really must (Mormon Channel). It is a "best" use of a mere 40 minutes of your time. Even my teenagers loved it. He talks about how someone excused their rudeness by saying they "check their religion at the door". Elder Holland said he was so angry he thought about putting his hands firmly around the young man's neck--until he realized his anger was about to cause him to "check his religion at the door".
Point Four: I hate people that get all angry on the internet, especially if it is because they misunderstood or didn't know the facts. I tsk, tsk them all the time. But recently, on facebook, I deserved the tsk tsk. I thought I was defending the better part. But I realized very quickly that I had "checked my religion at the door" and caused escalation. Gasp, not everyone needs to be corrected by me???? (sarcasm) It is hard to know when to let stuff go.
Conclusion: I should stay out of comment sections.
Conclusion Two: I should stick to cute cats and victorian era people saying sassy things on facebook.
Conclusion Three: Giving people the benefit of the doubt means all people, not just people I think agree with me.
Conclusion Last: How do I get rid of that deep down secret idea that I am actually always right but will hide it to keep the peace? ;) Ah, humility, I wish I could buy you at walmart. :)
PS conclusion: praise a fellow woman today. Tell her her kids are great, she is great, whatever as long as it's true. You'll be glad you did.
Point Two: I have never felt like I completely get the story of Mary and Martha in the New Testament. I know we need spiritual nourishment, but SOMEONE has to make dinner. Is it about timing? Dinner could wait a few until the teaching was over, maybe? I cringe when I hear the story being used as a blunt object to bash categories of women on the head. I know that isn't what the Savior wanted it used for. I got some studying to do, I guess. Does it mean anything that at the top of one staircase in the Brigham temple there is a painting of Mary and Martha and across from it, at the next landing is a painting of a woman picking peaches???
Point Three: If you haven't read or watched Elder Holland's CES fireside from the fall of 2012 titled, "Israel, Israel, God is Calling", you really must (Mormon Channel). It is a "best" use of a mere 40 minutes of your time. Even my teenagers loved it. He talks about how someone excused their rudeness by saying they "check their religion at the door". Elder Holland said he was so angry he thought about putting his hands firmly around the young man's neck--until he realized his anger was about to cause him to "check his religion at the door".
Point Four: I hate people that get all angry on the internet, especially if it is because they misunderstood or didn't know the facts. I tsk, tsk them all the time. But recently, on facebook, I deserved the tsk tsk. I thought I was defending the better part. But I realized very quickly that I had "checked my religion at the door" and caused escalation. Gasp, not everyone needs to be corrected by me???? (sarcasm) It is hard to know when to let stuff go.
Conclusion: I should stay out of comment sections.
Conclusion Two: I should stick to cute cats and victorian era people saying sassy things on facebook.
Conclusion Three: Giving people the benefit of the doubt means all people, not just people I think agree with me.
Conclusion Last: How do I get rid of that deep down secret idea that I am actually always right but will hide it to keep the peace? ;) Ah, humility, I wish I could buy you at walmart. :)
PS conclusion: praise a fellow woman today. Tell her her kids are great, she is great, whatever as long as it's true. You'll be glad you did.
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Beginning at ham and ending at cookies.
I was cutting up an 8 pound ham. A big ham. That I bought for a family get together that the snowstorm canceled. Feeling kind of sorry for myself. Mike was gone to tithing settlement, probably for 4 or 5 hours. Christmas break was almost over. I am 41. My life is most likely half over and do I want to boil the ham bone in the hopes that maybe THIS winter I will magically love bean soup? The important part of this is that the optimist in me won, because I am boiling the ham bone, because you never know, I might learn to like bean soup this winter.
The second thing is this: why oh why does time go faster when we get older? It hardly seems fair that the more able to appreciate time and what it can do for us, the faster it disappears. I want the Christmas break that seemed like a month when I was a kid. I am actually enjoying having everybody home. No offense, kids, but you are funner now than you were. You were still cute, but you made me so tired. Mike made a comment about just keeping them home on Wednesday. and Thursday too. and Friday for fun. Then he remembered homework is crappy. So I guess to school they will go. And early I will rise and lunches I will pack and driving I will drive.
I would also like to you to know how sad it is for me to see Christmas lights disappear when Christmas is over. We have decided to party like Europeans and celebrate until Tres Reyes something. You know, Epiphany, the three kings, the wisemen, all that stuff that makes it last until January 6th. Maybe then I will feel I have had my fill of Christmas. but I doubt it. We still have peanuts left to sugar. Pumpkin pie to get sick of, peppermint fluff to get sick on, and we never made a single cookie. Thank goodness we got some from other people. Emily says she wants more peanut brittle. hint hint people, I don't make brittle. I feel brittle, but I don't cook it.
So off I go. I am makin' cookies, friends!
The second thing is this: why oh why does time go faster when we get older? It hardly seems fair that the more able to appreciate time and what it can do for us, the faster it disappears. I want the Christmas break that seemed like a month when I was a kid. I am actually enjoying having everybody home. No offense, kids, but you are funner now than you were. You were still cute, but you made me so tired. Mike made a comment about just keeping them home on Wednesday. and Thursday too. and Friday for fun. Then he remembered homework is crappy. So I guess to school they will go. And early I will rise and lunches I will pack and driving I will drive.
I would also like to you to know how sad it is for me to see Christmas lights disappear when Christmas is over. We have decided to party like Europeans and celebrate until Tres Reyes something. You know, Epiphany, the three kings, the wisemen, all that stuff that makes it last until January 6th. Maybe then I will feel I have had my fill of Christmas. but I doubt it. We still have peanuts left to sugar. Pumpkin pie to get sick of, peppermint fluff to get sick on, and we never made a single cookie. Thank goodness we got some from other people. Emily says she wants more peanut brittle. hint hint people, I don't make brittle. I feel brittle, but I don't cook it.
So off I go. I am makin' cookies, friends!
Sunday, December 2, 2012
I am a changed person, but with the same name.
Tonight's First Presidency Christmas Devotional was the best I've ever heard. I loved it all. Especially the recorder solo, with my flautist daughter Emily complaining that recorders are NOT flutes. I came away with several bit-lits of stuff to work on/chew on/do.
The most changing idea for me was about being a gracious receiver. Immediately I thought about my friend Ayako, whose rolls are celestial food. sigh. She let me know last night that she would be bringing some by, and I dutifully protested. I wasn't sick or depressed, nor my family. What could I do in exchange for these rolls? She just wanted to be nice, and wouldn't I please just let her? Ayako, I promise I won't protest any more but I will graciously receive with gladness! President Uchtdorf also talked about how receiving helps us feel closer to the Lord and feel of His love. I learned that lesson the hard way three years ago, when I broke my back. Family and my ward jumped right in and took care of us--for months. I felt of their love, and in that love and in their eyes, I saw the love of my Father in Heaven and my Savior. I knew how to give, but I didn't know how to receive GRACIOUSLY while in great need, and how that can change us, until then. Now that I am back on my feet, I haven't been as great at receiving "just because" or "birthday" love. I am always thankful, but also usually embarrassed and don't know how to behave. So does that mean I am uncomfortable being loved by people who aren't related to me? Maybe. Maybe I don't give people enough credit that they can give without expecting gifts in return. (Don't be offended, I just don't want to disappoint anyone).
How did we get this way? How did we start to feel like we absolutely had to be independent and that receiving assistance was weak? How did we get to thinking that we had to reciprocate immediately to avoid "owing" anyone? (tell me you haven't had extra "neighbor gifts" ready in case someone not on your normal giving list drops by with a plate of Christmas deliciousness to avoid looking mean or thoughtless) If I receive without protest, does it make people think that I think I am so much more specialer? I am not just being rhetorical, I really want to know. I am one of the worst of the above kind of thinking.
The story about the little girl's gift being so poorly received reminded me of how hard my sister and I tried to (unsuccessfully) give a gift to our paternal grandmother that would receive the same kind of praise that our cousins' gifts received. My mother taught us to be properly grateful and complimentary of gifts given to us. Even if it is "interesting", I never feel like I am being dishonest to gush about a gift, because I am actually gushing about the work and the intent and the love that went into it. Now if my children gave me something crafted out of styrofoam, I would feel free to drop it and punish them severely because they know darn well how much I hate the sound styrofoam makes and it would have been given with the intent to make me miserable and provoke laughter among partners in crime.
Also, it would so be a scientist who gives a little kid a barometer for Christmas!! Well played, though, because didn't that boy grow up to be an academic himself? Mike tried valiantly to make Hayden's first word be benzene. hahah. But he is considering careers in the sciences (ones without blood and bones).
So bring on the gifts, people! I will try to be ready! (not really--it will be hard to change). Also, please tell me if you have answers to my ponderings about how I got so messed up. About receiving. Not anything else. One problem at a time, please.
The most changing idea for me was about being a gracious receiver. Immediately I thought about my friend Ayako, whose rolls are celestial food. sigh. She let me know last night that she would be bringing some by, and I dutifully protested. I wasn't sick or depressed, nor my family. What could I do in exchange for these rolls? She just wanted to be nice, and wouldn't I please just let her? Ayako, I promise I won't protest any more but I will graciously receive with gladness! President Uchtdorf also talked about how receiving helps us feel closer to the Lord and feel of His love. I learned that lesson the hard way three years ago, when I broke my back. Family and my ward jumped right in and took care of us--for months. I felt of their love, and in that love and in their eyes, I saw the love of my Father in Heaven and my Savior. I knew how to give, but I didn't know how to receive GRACIOUSLY while in great need, and how that can change us, until then. Now that I am back on my feet, I haven't been as great at receiving "just because" or "birthday" love. I am always thankful, but also usually embarrassed and don't know how to behave. So does that mean I am uncomfortable being loved by people who aren't related to me? Maybe. Maybe I don't give people enough credit that they can give without expecting gifts in return. (Don't be offended, I just don't want to disappoint anyone).
How did we get this way? How did we start to feel like we absolutely had to be independent and that receiving assistance was weak? How did we get to thinking that we had to reciprocate immediately to avoid "owing" anyone? (tell me you haven't had extra "neighbor gifts" ready in case someone not on your normal giving list drops by with a plate of Christmas deliciousness to avoid looking mean or thoughtless) If I receive without protest, does it make people think that I think I am so much more specialer? I am not just being rhetorical, I really want to know. I am one of the worst of the above kind of thinking.
The story about the little girl's gift being so poorly received reminded me of how hard my sister and I tried to (unsuccessfully) give a gift to our paternal grandmother that would receive the same kind of praise that our cousins' gifts received. My mother taught us to be properly grateful and complimentary of gifts given to us. Even if it is "interesting", I never feel like I am being dishonest to gush about a gift, because I am actually gushing about the work and the intent and the love that went into it. Now if my children gave me something crafted out of styrofoam, I would feel free to drop it and punish them severely because they know darn well how much I hate the sound styrofoam makes and it would have been given with the intent to make me miserable and provoke laughter among partners in crime.
Also, it would so be a scientist who gives a little kid a barometer for Christmas!! Well played, though, because didn't that boy grow up to be an academic himself? Mike tried valiantly to make Hayden's first word be benzene. hahah. But he is considering careers in the sciences (ones without blood and bones).
So bring on the gifts, people! I will try to be ready! (not really--it will be hard to change). Also, please tell me if you have answers to my ponderings about how I got so messed up. About receiving. Not anything else. One problem at a time, please.
Sunday, November 11, 2012
foolish and foolisher
A few days before my birthday, I decided I wanted to do a session in our new temple on my birthday. I made my reservation and when the day came, I drove about 3 blocks away before I realized I didn't have my recommend. I always have my recommend. Just not today. Trying to keep it short, by the time I found it and ran from the car, the brother at the desk told me I'd missed my session. :( He said that their was work to do on the third floor, if I wanted to participate. I got dressed and went up. I was told that that work was finished and they didn't have another group at the moment. I walked back to my cubicle and had a little cry. I WAS ONE OF THE FIVE FOOLISH VIRGINS!!!! I missed my chance because I wasn't prepared! It felt awful. I thought, "today? I have to learn a lesson TODAY? It's my birthday!!!" Thankfully there was some work I could do by the changing room. It turned out to be a great experience and I wondered if that was what I was supposed to do all along. But next time I will be sooooo ready!
Now for foolisher: for a year or so after I got out of my back brace, when things were hard, I wished to be back in the hospital bed here at home, out of it on pain meds. I haven't thought that for a long time. But today, I felt overwhelmed and it happened again--wishing I was incapacitated physically and mentally. CRAZY. That was a dumb thought and I repented of it.
Even foolisher, I am going to have a booth at the Christmas Bazaar at the senior center. I am making Christmas jewelry. I know, what am I thinking?!?!?!?
Now for foolisher: for a year or so after I got out of my back brace, when things were hard, I wished to be back in the hospital bed here at home, out of it on pain meds. I haven't thought that for a long time. But today, I felt overwhelmed and it happened again--wishing I was incapacitated physically and mentally. CRAZY. That was a dumb thought and I repented of it.
Even foolisher, I am going to have a booth at the Christmas Bazaar at the senior center. I am making Christmas jewelry. I know, what am I thinking?!?!?!?
Monday, October 8, 2012
Canadian (and Brigham City) Thanksgiving
Happy Canadian Thanksgiving! I was walking my laps at the park and looking at the pretty red trees on the hill, listening to music I love (She Will Have Her Way, by Neil Finn, for example), thinking about my awesome husband, and a flood of things came to my mind. So much to be grateful for. If you know me well, you know that I struggle with glass-half-empty syndrome and other assorted troubles in that vein. For me to be able to mentally step back and see all the good in my life at once (and not be saying it trying to convince myself) was a miracle--a tender mercy from a loving Heavenly Father. I have to remember this feeling. Out of gratitude, I shed some tears and felt also grateful that no one from the neighborhood was out and about (say that last bit "oot and aboot" for Canadian Thanksgiving). I won't bore you with my list because it's so personal and I have this fear of sounding like I am bragging and then I'd have to tell you all the trials I've had so that you would know that I suffer just like we all do. That's messy. Suffice it to say that the pavilion President Eyring mentioned disappeared altogether for a few minutes and I couldn't be more grateful. Thank you to my superlative (that covers it all, right?) family. Thank you to my friends (if you are wondering what for, just insert any of the things you have done for me or kind thing you have said and that will be a start). I am so glad Heavenly Father doesn't mind repeating himself, because He has to do that a lot for me. :)
If you don't read the blog of Middle-Mormon Man, you should (link http://middle-agedmormonman.blogspot.com/ ). He has talked about a fourth-quarter comeback (one last press to accomplish goals or make improvements before the end of the year). One of Mike's is starting piano lessons (again) to improve his talent. One of mine is to count my blessings more and better. I had decided this before my walk today, so the fact that it worked so well on the first try worries me that I won't be able to sustain this attitude of gratitude. :) I won't tell you the other just in case I don't make it to Jan. 1. Also because I have been working on it and not seeing any progress, which is embarrassing.
So give thanks, gear up for the fourth quarter, and have some Tim Bits for me, Canadian friends. :) I think about you all often and wish we were coming back for the temple open house. :(
If you don't read the blog of Middle-Mormon Man, you should (link http://middle-agedmormonman.blogspot.com/ ). He has talked about a fourth-quarter comeback (one last press to accomplish goals or make improvements before the end of the year). One of Mike's is starting piano lessons (again) to improve his talent. One of mine is to count my blessings more and better. I had decided this before my walk today, so the fact that it worked so well on the first try worries me that I won't be able to sustain this attitude of gratitude. :) I won't tell you the other just in case I don't make it to Jan. 1. Also because I have been working on it and not seeing any progress, which is embarrassing.
So give thanks, gear up for the fourth quarter, and have some Tim Bits for me, Canadian friends. :) I think about you all often and wish we were coming back for the temple open house. :(
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