Friday, November 22, 2013

Don't blink. It's dangerous.

I have a lot of thoughts that I think would make great posts, but by the time I get to the computer later, I don't even remember that I had something to post about. Sigh.

Tonight I was driving home from taking dinner to Hayden at work.  "Sunday, Bloody Sunday" by U2  came on the radio (a strange occurrence itself).  Suddenly I realized that I must have blinked and 20+ years have gone by.  I have three kids, I drive a mini van, and I live in Utah.  How did I get here?  Where did the time go?  I got a degree, a husband, became a mother, played with toddlers and suddenly I have teenagers, one of whom will leave home in the next 2 years.   It felt very existential and I felt small and insecure and not a whole lot different than the girl who drove  an old toyota  and listened to the same song.  Which I am, but am I an improved version or not?  What am I supposed to do with the next 20 years of my life? I already gave up my identity of being a mother of young kids.  On the next blink, I will have no kids at home.

Here is where the wheels can come off for some people.  Thank goodness I have the gospel to be my lug nuts and keep my wheels on.  Heck, it's been keeping the wheels on for as long as I can remember.  I know why I'm here and where I'm going.  My life should always have  purpose if I understand and remember the Great Plan of Happiness.  So I guess it's Satan who whispers in our ears that we are only one thing and when that ends, we are nothing.  So don't blink.  Or just tell Satan to shut up.  :)


Savanna said...

Hi Tonya,
You are so awesome! I remember something you just told me after my Masen was born. You remembered that you hung one of your shirts up after wearing it all day and you said that is how you knew you didn't have little kids anymore becasue you put away a clean shirt.
It makes me sad to have my kids grow up and think of them having to face the world without me there to protect them. The only thing that helps me from going crazy is that I know my Heavenly Father hears my prayers. He will watch out for my babies! He loves them more than I can even comprehend. That brings me peace and comfort!
love, SAvanna

Savanna said...

Hi Tonya,
This reminded me of something you said after I had my Masen. You remembered hanging up a clean shirt after wearing it all day. That is how you knew you didn't have babies anymore.

Sometimes I get very overwhelmed with the feeling that my kids are growing I won't be there to protect them and guide them. The only thing that keeps me from going crazy is to know that I have a loving Heavenly Father! I know he protects them when I am not there. He loves them more than I can even comprehend!

Thanks for your post you are wise beyond your years!

Love, Savanna

Michele said...

So glad you shared this. I was going to write you a big long letter about all the things I'm thinking about too, but I think I'll just try to keep it short. Anyway, Brian was reading your post over my shoulder, and said, "oh, that sounds familiar. You know, like you with your obsession about us needing to set goals lately" That pretty much sums it up- I know what you're talking about. With Ana a Junior and Henry in grade 2 it's brought on quite a range of emotions for me. I've been thinking crazy stuff lately like gosh, I only know how to be a mom, maybe I should have just kept having more kids, and now what, even though I have 100 things to do right now, and maybe we've (Brian and I) just "gone with the flow" too much and let life happen instead of taking charge of our lives. Thanks for reminding the true source of my stress, uncertainties, and frustrations. I also found comfort a few days ago in a surprising source- on the church website homepage there is an article to Young Women about the mission decision. It was a good reminder about decision making and not only praying for which path and direction to take, but what possible answers are and what they mean.